Procrastination: A How-To Guide to Not Getting Shit Done

Got a 10-page paper due tomorrow? Here's how to not get it done:

Productive Procrastination
I'll get started as soon as I clean my room, do my laundry, put a sizeable dent in the dishes and alphabetize all my dvds. Where did the mop go? It's about time someone did something about our kitchen floor.

Hot chick from Psych just uploaded pictures from spring break in Cancun. Nice. I wonder if she RSVPed to Mike's Bday Bash this weekend? Haha, I gotta link that video of my roommate getting kicked in the nuts to his wall, he'll love it.

Catch up with Friends and Family
It's been a while since I heard from Mike. I wonder how he's doing?

Pointless Computer Games
I can't believe he beat my high score in Minesweeper. We'll see how long that lasts. Maybe throw in a quick game of Solitaire too. And Tetris. Oh man I haven't played Snood in forever!

Take a Nap
It must be really hard on my eyes to stare at this computer screen for so long. Sooooo sleeepppyy. Quick power nap to recharge the batteries, rest the eyes and then I'll hit the books full steam, 100%, ready to go, no excuses. (20 minutes later) Ugh, somehow I feel more tired now. And my eyes are still pretty sore. (hits snooze)

Make Food
Who knew that a four-hour nap could make a man so hungry? It's waffle time.

Clean Up
Holy crap that syrup comes out fast, I'm gonna need a shower before I go anywhere near my laptop. Maybe I'll shave too. Ugh, it's been a while since I've cut my toenails...

Work Out
I'm starting to become a fatty. Hot chick from Psych won't care how clean I look if I'm rocking two chins on Saturday. 100 push-ups and 100 sit-ups should help work off the waffles.

Watch a Movie
Damn you TNT! Why must you play 'Air Force One' every time I have a paper due? I'll just stick around until Ford bellows 'Get off my plane!' It'd be a crime not to stick around for such an iconic moment in American cinema.

Oh Glenn Close, you silver little minx. Don't judge me.

“Nah dude I can't I gotta... damn that's skunky! Your buddy just brought this back from Cali? Well I'll take a taste. (coughs violently) ... I might need some more waffles.

Procrastination Rationalization
This paper is only worth 20% of my grade and the professor takes off 10% every day it's late. So if I turn it in a day late that's only 2% off of my overall grade. And I could give two craps about 2% of my grade. I'm going to bed.

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