Procrastination: A How-To Guide to Not Getting Shit Done

Got a 10-page paper due tomorrow? Here's how to not get it done:

Productive Procrastination
I'll get started as soon as I clean my room, do my laundry, put a sizeable dent in the dishes and alphabetize all my dvds. Where did the mop go? It's about time someone did something about our kitchen floor.

Facebook
Hot chick from Psych just uploaded pictures from spring break in Cancun. Nice. I wonder if she RSVPed to Mike's Bday Bash this weekend? Haha, I gotta link that video of my roommate getting kicked in the nuts to his wall, he'll love it.

Catch up with Friends and Family
It's been a while since I heard from Mike. I wonder how he's doing?

Pointless Computer Games
I can't believe he beat my high score in Minesweeper. We'll see how long that lasts. Maybe throw in a quick game of Solitaire too. And Tetris. Oh man I haven't played Snood in forever!

Take a Nap
It must be really hard on my eyes to stare at this computer screen for so long. Sooooo sleeepppyy. Quick power nap to recharge the batteries, rest the eyes and then I'll hit the books full steam, 100%, ready to go, no excuses. (20 minutes later) Ugh, somehow I feel more tired now. And my eyes are still pretty sore. (hits snooze)

Make Food
Who knew that a four-hour nap could make a man so hungry? It's waffle time.

Clean Up
Holy crap that syrup comes out fast, I'm gonna need a shower before I go anywhere near my laptop. Maybe I'll shave too. Ugh, it's been a while since I've cut my toenails...

Work Out
I'm starting to become a fatty. Hot chick from Psych won't care how clean I look if I'm rocking two chins on Saturday. 100 push-ups and 100 sit-ups should help work off the waffles.

Watch a Movie
Damn you TNT! Why must you play 'Air Force One' every time I have a paper due? I'll just stick around until Ford bellows 'Get off my plane!' It'd be a crime not to stick around for such an iconic moment in American cinema.

Procrasterbation
Oh Glenn Close, you silver little minx. Don't judge me.

Indulge
“Nah dude I can't I gotta... damn that's skunky! Your buddy just brought this back from Cali? Well I'll take a taste. (coughs violently) ... I might need some more waffles.

Procrastination Rationalization
This paper is only worth 20% of my grade and the professor takes off 10% every day it's late. So if I turn it in a day late that's only 2% off of my overall grade. And I could give two craps about 2% of my grade. I'm going to bed.

6-1. Damn.

Well the luck was going to run out sometime. You can't catch every bounce all season long. I'll take this loss as long as we take care of business against the Packers next Sunday. Which I think we will.

I hated the Favre signing because he's such a media-whore and everyone just wanted him to go away. Plus he's a 40 year-old QB coming off of surgery on his throwing arm, which looked like a horrible idea on paper, especially when you factor in the thousands of hits he's taken over his ridiculous 277 consecutive games started.

Well we're nearly halfway through the season and as much as it pains me to say it, I have to admit having Favre under center has been an absolute joy. Somehow he still has juice left in his cannon. Somehow he's turned Sidney Rice into Jerry Rice. Somehow he manages to come up with big third down conversions on a consistent basis. Somehow he forgot how to throw backbreaking interceptions into triple coverage. Somehow the Vikings have competency and talent at quarterback.

I will continue to wait for the other shoe to drop. I still believe Favre will not make it through the whole season without his arm falling off or his brain falling into a vicodin-induced coma. Call me a hater, I just got a gut feeling.

On a happier note I can't say I've ever enjoyed watching a Minnesota athlete (or any athlete really) more than AP. Not KG. Not Santana. Not Liriano circa 2006. Not even St. Paul's own Baby Jesus. (copyright Dan Barreiro) My. God. He's the perfect combination of speed, power and attitude. I wouldn't change one thing about him. He's an absolute monster and I love him.



Here's to Favre escaping both the wrath of the Lambeau rubes and the wrath Gods of Karma next week. Godspeed Favre, we need you.