Ron Artest is Batshit Insane

I know saying Ron Artest is crazy is like saying Mila Kunis is hot or Packers fans are fat, but I feel like most people don't really appreciate the depth of his lunacy.  A quick rundown of the craziest man in sports:

-Of course there's the infamous Pacers-Pistons Rumble at the Palace.  I would've given every cent to my name (aprox. 43 bucks, but still) to be at this fight.

-Then there's the recent revelation that Artest used to enjoy a little Halftime Hennessy when he played with the Bulls.  In trying to clarify his claim of drinking during games, he somehow managed to reiterate his desire to box Ben Wallace after his career is over, which he first proclaimed in a 2005 Penthouse Magazine cover story.

"I don't want to fight Ben Wallace in no street. I don't want to fight Ben Wallace on no basketball court. But after our careers are over, I will fight Ben Wallace in the boxing ring. But not out of hatred. But out of it would be a good boxing match. So don't look forward to me fighting Ben on a basketball court, because that's not going to happen."





 If that ever happens I got $100 on Big Ben. He is one bad lookin' dude.

-That's not to say Artest doesn't look jacked as fuck.  How would I know?  Because he recently went on Jimmy Kimmel in his underwear.

-And apparently he has a thing for walking around in his underwear. In a Bill Simmons column this July, it was revealed that before Game 7 of the Lakers-Rockets playoff series last year Artest

".. missed the first two team buses (the ones for players, coaches and team personnel) from Houston's hotel to the Staples Center and barely made the third and final bus, which was reserved for business staff, sponsors and friends of the team. These stunned people watched Artest sprint to the bus right before it left, jump on and take one of the remaining seats ... yes, wearing only his underwear. Owner Leslie Alexander happened to be sitting on the bus and witnessed the whole thing."

-Earlier last season Artest revealed that he had seen a friend murdered via lead stake through the heart during a heated pickup basketball game.  I guess that may explain some of the insanity.

-On a lighter note Artest is a HUGE Michael Jackson fan.  He's wearing #37 with the Lakers because that's how many weeks 'Thriller' spent topping the charts.  When MJ died Artest did what any grieving fan would do: He recorded a tribute song.

-According to this fairly comprehensive timeline of Artest's troubles, he has been suspended nine times for a total of 99 games, (the brawl at Auburn Hills accounting for 86 of them) and been fined seven times for $97,500. (Not including lost salary)

-Also in the timeline were anecdotes of him trying to get a job a Circuit City as a rookie in Chicago (for the employee discount, of course) asking for time off during the season to promote his rap album, and breaking two of Michael Jordan's ribs during a pickup game when MJ was attempting a comeback.

-He's even crazy enough to be a member of PETA, despite the fact that

"Dogs owned by Artest spent a total of 77 nights at the pound since July because of poor care by their owner, costing the NBA star $1,942 in boarding and impound fees, county records show."

 So there you have it.  Ron Artest is batshit insane.  I doubt we'll ever see anyone as crazy and successful in sports for a long time.

2009-10 Minnesota Timberwolves Drinking Game

A mutilated zombie of a roster stumbled from the wreckage created by David Kahn's dismantling of the McHale Travesty this off-season. LeBron may have 3 titles before Glen Taylor and company can trot out a watchable product at the Target Center.

So what are NBA fans in Minnesota to do? Wait it out and hope Rambis can develop Flynn, Jefferson, Love and Brewer into a solid core? Give up and pick a new team to root for during the rebuilding years? Switch attention over to Tubby's up and coming squad at the Barn?

Well for starters we can drink.

Drink 1
*When a foreign guy scores. This includes Oleksiy Pecherov, Sasha Pavlovik and Australian Gigantisaur Nathan Jawai.

*When Corey Brewer or Johnny Flynn toss up an airball or turn the ball over. I saw Brewer airball a free throw earlier this season. I shit you not. If that happens again just go ahead and kill your beer, crush it on your forehead and throw it at the TV.

*When Al Jefferson gets destroyed attempting to play post defense

Drink 2
*When an announcer mentions:
-Kevin McHale
-Kevin Garnett
-Ricky Rubio
-'Rebuilding process'

*When Brian Cardinal scores.

*When there is a promo pimping another team's players as a reason to come to the game. 'Come down to the Target Center next Friday to see David Lee and the Knicks.'

Drink 5
*If the Wolves are winning at the end of any quarter.
*If the Wolves fall behind by 25 or more.

Put your beer down and gimme your keys
*If Minnesota goes up by 25 or more, because you're not reading the score correctly.

Finish your beer and break out the whisky
*When you remember
-No free agents want to live in Minnesota in the winter, thus diluting the value of any cap space we may have.
-Ricky Rubio will never don a Timberwolves uniform.
-The rebuilding effort relies on David Kahn, who was out of basketball for 5 years prior to his hiring, and Kurt Rambis, who is known primarily for his sweet goggles/mustache combo and getting clotheslined by McHale (ironically) in the 1984 finals.

Drink up my friends, its gonna be a long winter.

Procrastination: A How-To Guide to Not Getting Shit Done

Got a 10-page paper due tomorrow? Here's how to not get it done:

Productive Procrastination
I'll get started as soon as I clean my room, do my laundry, put a sizeable dent in the dishes and alphabetize all my dvds. Where did the mop go? It's about time someone did something about our kitchen floor.

Facebook
Hot chick from Psych just uploaded pictures from spring break in Cancun. Nice. I wonder if she RSVPed to Mike's Bday Bash this weekend? Haha, I gotta link that video of my roommate getting kicked in the nuts to his wall, he'll love it.

Catch up with Friends and Family
It's been a while since I heard from Mike. I wonder how he's doing?

Pointless Computer Games
I can't believe he beat my high score in Minesweeper. We'll see how long that lasts. Maybe throw in a quick game of Solitaire too. And Tetris. Oh man I haven't played Snood in forever!

Take a Nap
It must be really hard on my eyes to stare at this computer screen for so long. Sooooo sleeepppyy. Quick power nap to recharge the batteries, rest the eyes and then I'll hit the books full steam, 100%, ready to go, no excuses. (20 minutes later) Ugh, somehow I feel more tired now. And my eyes are still pretty sore. (hits snooze)

Make Food
Who knew that a four-hour nap could make a man so hungry? It's waffle time.

Clean Up
Holy crap that syrup comes out fast, I'm gonna need a shower before I go anywhere near my laptop. Maybe I'll shave too. Ugh, it's been a while since I've cut my toenails...

Work Out
I'm starting to become a fatty. Hot chick from Psych won't care how clean I look if I'm rocking two chins on Saturday. 100 push-ups and 100 sit-ups should help work off the waffles.

Watch a Movie
Damn you TNT! Why must you play 'Air Force One' every time I have a paper due? I'll just stick around until Ford bellows 'Get off my plane!' It'd be a crime not to stick around for such an iconic moment in American cinema.

Procrasterbation
Oh Glenn Close, you silver little minx. Don't judge me.

Indulge
“Nah dude I can't I gotta... damn that's skunky! Your buddy just brought this back from Cali? Well I'll take a taste. (coughs violently) ... I might need some more waffles.

Procrastination Rationalization
This paper is only worth 20% of my grade and the professor takes off 10% every day it's late. So if I turn it in a day late that's only 2% off of my overall grade. And I could give two craps about 2% of my grade. I'm going to bed.

6-1. Damn.

Well the luck was going to run out sometime. You can't catch every bounce all season long. I'll take this loss as long as we take care of business against the Packers next Sunday. Which I think we will.

I hated the Favre signing because he's such a media-whore and everyone just wanted him to go away. Plus he's a 40 year-old QB coming off of surgery on his throwing arm, which looked like a horrible idea on paper, especially when you factor in the thousands of hits he's taken over his ridiculous 277 consecutive games started.

Well we're nearly halfway through the season and as much as it pains me to say it, I have to admit having Favre under center has been an absolute joy. Somehow he still has juice left in his cannon. Somehow he's turned Sidney Rice into Jerry Rice. Somehow he manages to come up with big third down conversions on a consistent basis. Somehow he forgot how to throw backbreaking interceptions into triple coverage. Somehow the Vikings have competency and talent at quarterback.

I will continue to wait for the other shoe to drop. I still believe Favre will not make it through the whole season without his arm falling off or his brain falling into a vicodin-induced coma. Call me a hater, I just got a gut feeling.

On a happier note I can't say I've ever enjoyed watching a Minnesota athlete (or any athlete really) more than AP. Not KG. Not Santana. Not Liriano circa 2006. Not even St. Paul's own Baby Jesus. (copyright Dan Barreiro) My. God. He's the perfect combination of speed, power and attitude. I wouldn't change one thing about him. He's an absolute monster and I love him.



Here's to Favre escaping both the wrath of the Lambeau rubes and the wrath Gods of Karma next week. Godspeed Favre, we need you.

Things I Learned In College

Hard alcohol is responsible for 90% of the embarrassing/regrettable things I've done

-Vodka, Whiskey, Rum and especially Tequila can, and will, kick your ass. One minute you’re slightly tipsy, swapping stories and laughing, generally having a good time. 30 minutes and four shots later you’re in a screaming match with your best friend, drunkenly texting your ex-girlfriend and vomiting on your neighbor’s porch. I’ve seen it happen more times than I can remember. Liquor may be quicker but there’s a lot less to fear if you just stick to beer.

Going to class and paying attention will seriously reduce the amount of time you spend studying
-This one seems obvious but it’s so true I needed to include it. Professors will talk about what is going to be on tests in class, and listening is a lot easier than reading. (Unless your teacher is from Slovenia and has kindergartener’s grasp of English, in which case you’re screwed anyway.) Go to class, stay off Facebook, take occasional notes, (copying PowerPoint slides word-for-word does not constitute as taking notes and won’t help that much) and ask questions if you’re confused. Professors like students who act like they care and probably will be friendlier toward you when it comes to scoring the blue book. Following this template for success is harder than it sounds but it will cut down on your last-minute library time by at least 60%.

Intramural sports are awesome

-While you’re sitting in class paying attention it’s always nice to have something in the back of your mind to look forward to; maybe it’s the remnants of last night’s Dominos waiting in the fridge, maybe its tonight’s big intramural softball game against those douchebags two floors down, maybe it’s both. I’ve been on intramural teams that were ridiculously good, and teams that have been embarrassingly bad, and I had about the same amount of fun on each team. You make some friends, get a little exercise, and compete in your choice of the laundry list of sports UMD offers: Co-ed inner tube water polo, curling, bowling, ultimate frisbee, the list is pretty extensive. No matter your level of athleticism or competitiveness anyone can find a niche in the wonderful world of intramurals.

Free food is awesome

-In college I’ve devoured hot dogs, pizza, popcorn, sno-cones, cotton candy, egg rolls, cookies and many other deliciously free snacks on a regular basis. UMD is full of clubs and organizations that are always recruiting more members, and their most effective tool is the enticing lure of free food. “Oh yes, I am very interested in joining the International Yodeling Society. Is that pepperoni? Well let me grab three slices and we’ll talk.” Always keep an eye out for fliers around campus advertising free food, because every free slice of pizza you consume is one less meal you have to make (and pay for) yourself, or one less trip to the DC.

Lying and being a jerk to cops will just bring you more trouble

-Acting rude and openly contemptuous towards cops has never helped anyone. If they ask if you’ve been drinking and you’ve already played like 12 games of beer pong, don’t lie to them. They know. They dislike dealing with drunken college idiots just as much as you dislike dealing with hardheaded police. Treat them with respect and they will appreciate it, and probably go a lot easier on you. I lived in a crazy party house last year and we always made a point to cooperate with and be courteous to police and there wasn’t one minor handed out all year. Coincidence? Luck? I think not.

Don't throw parties in your dorm room

-Trust me; getting written up in the dorms is an infuriating, insanely expensive process. Every year there is a handful of ‘Night Advisors’ that are sadistic, sneaky, super-sleuths who will ruin your party and your night. If you’re gonna party, have a few pre-game drinks and get out before 11 o’clock. Or better yet, don’t drink at all in the dorms. Make a friend who lives in the apartments or off campus. Just don’t let those power-tripping nerds win.

Duluth is a beautiful city

-You chose to attend college in one of the coldest places on earth. What were you thinking? Before winter’s frigid grip of death closes in on the northland get out and enjoy all of the awesome places Duluth has to offer. Ely’s Peak, Hawk’s Ridge, Observation Rock, Enger Tower, Park Point, Chester Bowl and Gooseberry Falls are all amazing places that are within reasonable driving (or walking) distances. Go to Canal Park and watch a humongous ship pass under the lift bridge. Go for a stroll along the Lakewalk. The point is get out and do as many outdoor activities as you can before it’s so cold icicles form on your eyelashes while waiting for the bus. Duluth has no shortage of options.